Living with the struggle of believing in yourself

It is easy to look around us and believe everyone else is full of self-confidence and self-belief, whilst we feel overcome with self-doubt. As a result, we can end up feeling as though we are the only person in the world with crippling self-doubt.

With social media posts showing how confident everyone can be and/or sharing how you can overcome self-doubt and become more confident by following these simple steps; we can feel as though we are failing if we are unable to curb our self-doubt or be consistent. Experiencing self-doubt is often seen negatively, something we should be ashamed about and kept to ourselves.

Research has found that 85% of people struggle with self-doubt and most adults have six (yes six) moments of self-doubt a day. This does make us feel less alone and personally wish I knew this statistic years ago. I may not have lost the years I feel I have by not believing in myself and managed my self-doubt differently.

So, what is self-doubt and how does it impact us.

An understanding of self-doubt

Self-doubt might seem like a blocker to success. It makes us question our abilities and can feed our feelings of imposter syndrome and self-negativity. It is important to note that this is a natural and typical reaction to stepping out of our comfort zone. Too much self-doubt and we kind of paralyse ourselves, whilst a healthy does of self-doubt can be quite motivating. The key is getting the balance between the two.

A vicious cycle

Living with continual self-doubt can impact us in many ways:

• Constantly overthinking when we have to make a decision – even the ones we usually make without thinking or have done something similar before – can keep us stuck in the decision-making process instead of deciding and acting on it to progress.
• Seeking validation, by asking a lot of people for their opinion, or letting others make the decision for you.
• We can be scared to share our thoughts and ideas, and when doing so tend to start the sentence with an apology. This can give the perception that what we are about to say is wrong or unimportant.
• Our comparisons of ourselves to others can intensify, and our thoughts and feelings that we do not measure up leave us in a world of limiting self-belief that we are not good enough.
• We all procrastinate, it is normal. However, living in a world of continuing self-doubt can become more of an issue. We all think procrastination is due to time-management or overload; when it is more like an emotional management problem. We give ourselves a tough time with anxiety, stress, and fear; that it absorbs most of our time.
• We have trouble recognising our accomplishments and when we do, we downplay them. It may have taken a lot out of us to achieve them, perhaps longer than expected or compared to others. So, we believe it is not worth celebrating.
• We talk ourselves out of what we are thinking or feelings (especially anything positive) and/or the need to speak up for ourselves. We second-guess and question whether they are appropriate, valid, or real.

Being Vulnerable

Becoming self-aware and comfortable with our self-doubt can help us confront it head on and understand the depth of the challenge for us. It is okay for us to be vulnerable and admit we do not know the answers or are worried about something. As a result, this can increase our inner strength, our resilience and in turn help others to build their own inner strength.

Sharing our self-doubt can be nerve wracking and does leave us vulnerable. In my experience it has come back to bite me on the bum ~ although not quite literally. However, the world has changed and moved on quite considerably since that time. The awareness about our inner chatter, our self-doubt, and our overall mental wellbeing is talked about all the time. Employers and managers are getting better at understanding this and how to support their employees. That’s not to say it is easy or will be welcomed; there is still lots more work to do.

Ambiguous Perspectives

Our perspectives are our viewpoints in life, some have been influenced by those we grew up around. Most of them change as we experience life and grow. The challenge we have with self-doubt is that our perspectives can be come ambiguous or distorted, leaving us to underestimate our ability or subconsciously build bigger obstacles. To help us manage this, we need to take a step back to assess and reframe our mindset by noting the skills, strengths, experiences that we have which can contribute to our success.

Many a time I disbelieved my ability, expecting myself to be caught out for being a fake. I had to remind myself what I had achieved, and that I knew my job. It wasn’t easy and I never felt I should celebrate my successes.

Self-development opportunity

Moments of self-doubt can help us gain a deeper understanding of ourselves, our weaknesses (or as I like to call them development areas) and any limitations we may have. When we identify those, we want to work on, we can consider how we gain more experience, enhance our skills, and establish who can support us best through mentoring and encouragement. It will enable us to step outside our comfort zone that will build our confidence in time, the self-doubt is likely to still be there, only it will be for a finite time.

Seeking support

Within the corporate world admitting you have self-doubt can be met with some negativity, and for some a poor reaction for the future. So, it is natural that we feel working on ourselves needs to be done in isolation, when in truth the opposite is more beneficial. Seeking input and fresh perspective from a mentor, a likeminded individual or even with friends and family can give you insights that you have missed.

My tip here is to find the right person for you and not influenced or matched by a manager/colleague with whom you should work. If you don’t have a good relationship with that person, you are not going to appreciate their feedback in the right way. You may read their intent differently as your perspectives of yourself and them can be distorted by your crippling self-doubt.

Greater Empathy

Realising we are not alone with self-doubt can increase the empathy we have for others who experience similar challenges and, hopefully, vice versa in the empathy that is shown towards us. It can help build connection and support for each other. Self-doubt can also help keep us humble, stopping us becoming overly arrogant or overbearing. Leading us to have a more balanced perspective.

 

We are led to believe that to succeed we need to have an abundance of self-confidence. Moments of self-doubt are not weaknesses; it is an opportunity to grow as an individual and in your job. Enhancing your personal development and the world of continuous self-reflection and self-discovery.

As we know believing in ourselves is not something we can press a switch to change overnight. By embracing it we can use it as a tool to move forward with courage and determination.

Need some support overcoming your self-doubt and learning to increase your self belief? Let’s have a chat about how coaching can help you. Visit my coaching page for more information – www.louisemcmilan.co.uk/coaching/

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash.