Confidence, Expectations, Living Life More Fully, Mental Health, Passion, Self Belief, Self care, Success, UncategorizedSelf-love, Single, Uniqueness

Cherishing the single life in your 30s, 40s, and 50s; Learning to embrace Self-Love.

There is so much pressure from society to have a romantic relationship that living your life as a single person can become disheartening as we hit our 30s, 40s, and then 50s. If we have never been married, engaged or even in a relationship where we have lived with someone by a certain age, there is a tendency to begin to feel as though we have not achieved. Perhaps even thinking there is something wrong with us. The words “oh you must be so picky” are said in a dismissive way instead of “well done you for knowing your worth and not settling.”

As we know in the world we live in, there is a lot of emphasis on finding romantic love, having children and the white picket fence by society. As we reach our teens, we are often asked, (teasingly at first) “got a boyfriend/girlfriend.” And then it continues, not just from Granny or Aunt Flo, it is ex school friends and work colleagues. Everyone wants to know about your romantic life. It can be waring, draining and that feeling of not being good enough – or may be the last one is just me.

I have been single at times in my 30s, 40s and now 50s. What took me a long time to realise was the importance of loving myself during this time, how to value who I was and follow the path I genuinely wanted in life.

How can we start to appreciate self-love:

If you asked me if I loved myself when I was in my 20s or 30s, I would have said ‘definitely not’ and over analysed the way I came across.

The phrase that someone loved themselves used to have a negative connotation. They were overly confident, probably arrogant, too loud, and full of themselves. I have alluded above that I am now in my 50s, so the 90s and 00s were quite different in how we use phrases today.

What I, and many others have learnt, is that self-love or loving yourself is not selfish or arrogant, it is especially important part of looking after ourselves and our wellbeing. It requires us to become happier and accept who we are; be self-compassionate when we need to be. The more we learn to love ourselves the more we value our self-worth.

Single live in our 30s:

It is in our 30s that a lot of changes happen for us that are more unexpected or told. We feel an increased pressure from society to settle down, get married and/or start a family. Our friendship group is changing, as some make that move to marriage and parenthood, others may move away or gradually slip away from contact.

If you are not meeting one of these ‘milestones’ the pressure and, in some circles, disappointment can often lead to feeling inadequate, lonely, or unloved.

You may find your relationships with others are different and feel more individual to you. The connections you have with parents may be different than that your siblings, your relationship with a sibling may be different to another sibling. And may feel different with friends than they have with others who are not single.

If you are in your 30s and reading this, allow yourself to define your own path and what you wish to prioritise in your life. There is no timeline. Celebrate your achievements whether Mum, Granny or Aunt Flo agree or understand them or not. Embrace your self-love, develop your inner strength and your resilience will build at the same time.

40 something single life:

Our 40s is the age most of us remember our parents turning, the first big birthday we really remember for them. In turn it can be a time when those expectations and comments around marriage and family feel more intense as they come from lots of places and more hard-hitting comments appear – “You’re not getting any younger, clock is ticking, you’ll be the oldest mum in the playground, didn’t you want children”.

As we know plenty of women decide in their childhood, as teens or in their 20s and 30s that children do not appear in their life. So those comments are a little presumptuous. There are also those women who reach their late 30s and 40s who make that difficult decision that children are likely to not be a reality for them.

When it comes to relationships, not having that one person, if that is what we want, can make us feel lonelier. Our friends tend to ‘hang out’ with other couples and our social circle withers down even more. Even siblings and cousins are all coupled up.

Where we can focus is empowering ourselves to keep developing our own path and personal growth. We need to embrace our uniqueness and become clearer about our boundaries and our desires for life. By continuing to keep moving forward will help remove any feelings of inadequacy, will help us find new likeminded people to be in our circle and value all that we are.

Prioritising ourselves and our self-love and allowing others to see this will show your happiness is not based on a need for romantic relationships or validation from anyone else.

Full of wisdom in our 50s:

Ah, turning 50, something I did not so long ago. It is true what they say, the older you get the more self-assurance you have. It comes with age and experiences. Because you know others of the same age are no longer worrying what other people think too; it can become quite liberating.

On the flipside, you begin to acknowledge more the loss of people around you. Perhaps Granny and Aunt Flo are no longer here, and your parents are becoming the age you assign to your grandparents. The challenges that come with supporting your parents more and more is the concern of who will be there to support you as you get older; and then as you reflect on this, you realise this is not only relevant for those who are singles and/or have not children.

The importance for those who are single in their 50s (whether through choice, bereavement, or separation) is to keep developing that self-love for yourself, that feeling of contentment and become more comfortable with your peace. At the same time enrich your tribe by finding those new people

So, how do we learn to start learning to love who we are:

Learning to love ourselves is an ongoing process regardless of our age or our romantic status. Here are 6 tips to help you develop and nurture your self-love.

Be your own best friend. Look after yourself with the same understanding, empathy, support, and comfort that you would for a friend. If a friend is having a tough time or says they are feeling lonely perhaps you may visit them with some flowers. Treat yourself to some flowers.
Learn to value your time and who you spend time with. People will think that if you are single, you have all the time to be at their disposal. Be comfortable knowing it is okay to say no to things you do not want to do or people you don’t want to spend time with. Perhaps offer an alternative or say you would love to hang out and do something different.
Remember being young and having lots of hobbies and interests. Writing stories, reading, poetry, jigsaws, crafts. Restart those hobbies or find new ones that could lead you to discover new friends, new skills, and new opportunities.
Be comfortable taking time to stop from work and chores. Recharge with walks in the park or reading a novel with your favourite cuppa.
Regularly reflect on your day and really appreciate what has giving you that warm feeling. Be cautious how you manage those not so good days. It is not always easy to ignore them, remember to be kind to yourself.
Have you heard of the inspirational speaker Mel Robbins? If not, I highly recommend you looking her up. Mel recommends looking at yourself in the mirror and give yourself a high five. She also recommends, put-up motivational quotes or reminders about what you like about yourself, so you remind yourself daily.

The advantage you have of being single in your 30s, 40s and/or 50s is the opportunity to work on yourself solely, without distractions or demands from someone else. The downside is that we may not realise this in our 30s or 40s – I know I didn’t until my late 40s.

Thankfully, our world is changing, the stigma of not being married by a certain time and the pressure that you must be in a relationship to be happy and complete are waning. We still have a way to go in society. Until then let us learn to celebrate being a singleton, appreciate who you are and love being uniquely you.

Need some support embracing your uniqueness, let’s have a chat about how coaching can help you. Visit my coaching page for more information – www.louisemcmilan.co.uk/coaching/

Photo by Courtney Cook on Unsplash

Cherishing the ’40s’ single life.