6 ways to improve listening

Are we truly listening to each other?

Never before has a generation had multiple ways to communicate quickly and easily. However, more and more people are feeling unheard and not communicated with.

This got me thinking:

  • Have we lost the art of meaningful conversations?
  • Are we becoming more impatient when people are talking that we hurry them up to get to the point?
  • Are we experiencing people interrupting a story with their own similar story or without fully listening to what is being said.

In this blog I explore some of the challenges we face with not being listened to.

Hearing -v- Listening

Firstly, let’s clear up the confusion about the distinction between hearing and listening as these are often used in the opposite context.

In truth hearing is the natural way that we hear the sounds around us. It happens without conscious effort as the sounds are recognisable. We don’t need to concentrate on what we are hearing. We know there is ‘noise’ around us and detect it.

Listening, is more than hearing sounds, it is about processing and interpreting what is we hear. Understanding the message, emotions and intentions of the person speaking. We make a distinction on what it is we are hearing, how we respond to it. Including any underlying messages and especially the tones, emotions, and cues.

The impact of not listening

By not truly listening to one another can have an impact on relationships withing both the workplace and personally.

In the workplace there is a risk of:

  • Missed opportunities of ideas, solutions and development of individuals and the business.
  • Misunderstandings, conflict, lack of effective collaboration and poor team relations.
  • Low productivity as instructions and or feedback are missed; leading to incorrect or incomplete tasks.
  • Disengaged team members who feel they are not listened too will become demoralised, lack motivation, and see employment elsewhere.

In terms of relationships:

  • Unresolved conflicts, arguments, continual misunderstandings can damage a relationship. This will increase when communication is strained.
  • Emotional disconnect between partners can lead to feeling lonely and dissatisfied within the relationship.
  • Resentment towards each other due to issues being unresolved or fester.
  • Diminished trust in one another as individuals feel dismissed, invalidated or unable to get their view, experience or truth across.

Acknowledging we are all unique

In the workplace we work with a variety of different people and personalities.

There are those who are outgoing, whilst others are more reserved. These then split into those who are task focused compared to people focused.

Those people who are outgoing and task focused tend to be a little more impatient and want information quickly, succinctly, and top level – without all the detail that goes with it. It can be challenging for others who want to explain things and feel they have been listened to. They can feel demoralised, unappreciated and dismissed.

Both groups need to develop their approach.

Those delivering the information will have be comfortable with just imparting the information the way the receiver would like. They also need to develop ways to let the receiver know that they have more information/insights that may be of benefit to them. Agreeing together that they need more time to discuss it.

Those on the receiving end must develop their communication style to ensuring the person passing on this information understands why they only need to the top line or succinct information. They don’t want the other person going away feeling deflected or unengaged. They also need to ensure that they give enough time to listen to the other person as they could miss out on information. More importantly, show the same courtesy to flexing their approach.

It is worth remembering we have those who are outgoing, people orientated and can be quite distracting as they love to talk. Gentle encouragement to keep things succinct and being mindful of others’ times may need some tact as quite often they fear rejection. If you are one of these people, it’s learning to develop your style to know when your bubbly nature is needed. Or when your  desire for motivating others and being overly talkative will help most.

How can we improve our listening skills.

As with all skills we can improve this with practice. Here are 6 ways to Improving your Listening Skills with a colleague or friend.

  1. Be present: Give your full attention to the person speaking. Remove distractions like the mobile phone, tablet, or any electronic device. Focus on their words, the non-verbal cues and make eye contact.
  2. Ask questions: Clarify and seek more information to ensure you’ve understood correctly. Do this by asking open questions. It’s never the first thing that is said that is crucial it is the second or third.
  3. Empathise: Try to understand the speaker’s emotions and perspective by putting yourself in their shoes. Acknowledge and confirm their experiences even if you do not agree with them. And if you have similar experiences avoid sharing it. It’s not about you.
  4. Practice being patience: Don’t interrupt or inject. Let them finish before responding, offering your thoughts or opinions. Also avoid derailing the conversation with any topics that are not related.
  5. Reflect: For the person speaking it can be hard to know if the person you are talking to is really listening. Especially when it is something difficult or challenging for them. Where you can try paraphrasing what you have heard to show you are listening and this can help with your understanding.
  6. Don’t judge: It can be so easy to say to someone ‘oh don’t be daft’ or ‘aren’t you over thinking this or being silly’. Whilst you may think this is helping your friend/colleague to make them feel better, it could leave them feeling ridiculed. Accept what they are saying and don’t judge their comments or opinions.

The best way to show you have listened is to follow up with your colleague or friend. You can add additional support for them with any problem solving. You can hear how an action they were taking went. Or even paraphrase what they had said previously. This shows that you care about them as an individual and will enhance the relationship between you.

 

In summary, we can all hear noises around us without being conscious of them. To truly listen requires us to be active and practice the skill of listening. Doing so can help you become a more effective communicator, build better relationships, and demonstrate your understanding and empathy.

 

Need some support with setting boundaries around listening. Let’s have a chat about how coaching can help you. Visit my coaching page for more information – www.louisemcmilan.co.uk/coaching/

Photo stock image from Canva