Empowering your life; the art of setting boundaries.
Establishing boundaries is an important part of maintaining healthy relationships and looking after our own wellbeing.
Being clear and setting our boundaries can be very challenging. More so if you are a people-pleaser or feel you always must do the “right thing”.
Setting boundaries helps us in many ways such as preventing burnout, resentment, and other negative emotions that can arise from feeling that your being taken advantage of.
Why are setting boundaries important?
Boundaries are the imaginary lines between us and others. It is setting what you will and will not tolerate by others in your personal relationships, work colleagues, family, and friends.
Establishing boundaries helps you maintain your physical, emotional, and mental health whilst helping you build healthy relationships and increase your self-esteem.
Setting boundaries helps to …
- Prevent Burnout – Having clear realistic boundaries around our time ensures we have enough energy, and resources to help look after ourselves and that we have time to recharge. We don’t need to share this with others, we need to find our own determination to keep to them i.e. I am not working this weekend.
- Reduce Stress – With clear boundaries, we can reduce stress and anxiety by avoiding situations that might cause us challenges or upset. You can also create a sense of predictability and stability in your life, which helps you feel more in control.
- Improve Relationships – By helping us communicate our needs and expectations clearly. As a result, we can build healthy relationships that are respected and understood by all, thus preventing misunderstandings and conflicts. How many of us accept the way we are treated in the way people want us or speak to us.
- Increase Self-Esteem – Being clear by our boundaries shows that we value ourselves, our well-being, and our needs. Ask yourself this “Would you let anyone in through your front door and walk around your house and take what they want?”.
What do boundaries look like?
There are many types of boundaries.
- Physical – someone encroaching on your personal space or touching you without your consent.
- Emotional – Changing conversations or discussion topics
- Time – Valuing your time and how other people use it.
- Sexual – Being clear what you will and won’t do in intimacy.
- Intellectual – Respecting thoughts, beliefs, values, and opinions
- Material – Borrowing things without asking and financial aspects.
- Communication – the way upon which someone speaks to you.
How do we set boundaries?
To be honest, this can be very challenging, especially at the beginning. Our loved ones, family, friends, colleagues etc will see something they do not normally expect from us. They may find it uncomfortable and as a result may mock, guilt trip you, or dismiss them entirely. So, we must stay strong and preserver, working through that uncomfortableness.
To help us we need to:
- Be clear about our limits and what we are comfortable with.
- Become comfortable with using the word “I” with our statements – “I don’t respond to work emails at the weekend”.
- Be consistent. The difficulty here is the exceptions we have to different people, so you may need to have some extra clarity such as ‘when we are in this situation’ or ‘with these groups of people’.
- Negotiate to find a solution that works for everyone involved, whilst never compromising on your values and needs.
- Have some ready phrases in your back pocket. This will give you comfort when having to be assertive for example – ‘I’m not comfortable with that’. ‘If you do it again, I will have to leave’.
How can we manage our boundaries when they are crossed?
We are all human and we are never going to get it right 100% of the time. Even with the most will in the world, people will cross your boundaries either unintentionally or intentionally.
Here are 5 tips to help.
- Take some time out to reflect on any relationship and your boundaries. Give yourself ample time to breath and evaluate before moving forward.
- The first step would be to tell the person, explaining what they did and how it made you feel. As hard as it may be, it is best to clear, specific and approach the conversation calmly, avoiding any blame or accusations and not become defensive or aggressive. Take some time to plan out what it is you want to say.
- Remind them of your boundaries and what they mean to you. Being clear and firm about what you expect and why it is important to you. You may need to clarify any misunderstanding so they can see how serious you are about your boundaries and that there are consequences for not respecting them.
- If you feel your boundaries are always being disrespected by someone then you may have to consider the value of that relationship altogether. As you can imagine, this can be hard depending on the type of relationship you have with that person and potentially other people who may be impacted.
- Setting and enforcing boundaries can take us out of our comfort zone and be really challenging, uncomfortable and can cause you to be anxious. We may need to seek support from others around us, a trusted family member or friend, a therapist, or others in a group. Sharing your experiences can help you get some things off your chest whilst also helping you find perspectives and other ways to communicate your boundaries. You may also find someone who has set similar boundaries with someone or even the same person.
Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries is important for our physical, emotional, and mental well-being. We need to understand what they are and mean for us, communicate them and be strong in enforcing them. There may be times when we may need to compromise or negotiate.
Remember that setting boundaries is a process which takes time and practice to establish them. In time, you will find healthier, happier, and more fulfilling relationships and life by having them.
Need some support with setting boundaries, let’s have a chat about how coaching can help you. Visit my coaching page for more information – www.louisemcmilan.co.uk/coaching/
Alternatively, I have a workshop called “Establish boundaries and manage expectations”. If you would like to hear more and join my waiting list for the workshop, email me at louise@louisemcmilan.co.uk. (This workshop is also available for employers).
Photo stock image from Canva